No relationship is ever going to be perfect, and that's okay.

I'd say that all marriages
happen for a reason.
Theres a lesson hidden meant to teach us something meaningful about how we relate within ourself and with others. Something in them meant to teach us something deep and meaningful about ourselves. That's something we can be grateful for.
I’m sure you’ve given a lot of thought to your marriage before coming here. I personally know how divorce is not as simple as saying
‘we’re not in love anymore...’

Advice #1

Your marriage doesn’t 'fail' just because you're agreeing on a divorce settlement. 

Divorce can be a time to regain autonomy, remember how unique and special you inherently are, and to witness the undeniable resilience of our hearts and souls. You can make this into a time of mindfulness and self-discovery - a time of self-reflection and rebirth!

Advice #2

Embrace change.
Find acceptance within.

What can you do so that this divorce doesn't affect you for the rest of your life? Acceptance. You may not like what is happening, but it's so important that you accept it. In my case, although I was willing to fight for my marriage all the way through, I was the one who got served. Divorce became inevitable for me. But once you're able to accept things as they are, you'll get a different perspective about it. That's when you can start healing a lot faster and a lot healthier.

Advice #3

Gain perspective.
This is just a blip in the whole picture of your life.

Don't get me wrong, divorce is very emotional and it's easy to get overwhelmed and feeling like you can't function. It seems like you've just fallen into an abyss and you don't know how to get out. But if you can get the kind of perspective of seeing it as just a blip in this whole big picture of your life, you're gona move on a lot quicker and a lot healthier.

Advice #4

Do your own due-diligence.
No one will fight for your case as eagerly as you will!

You need to become the best advocate for your case. Each state has different rules and regulations when it comes to divorce. Do your homework. Find out what the law is in your state and make sure you know what your rights are accordingly. Remember, you're the one that will have to live with the decisions that you make during this time for the rest of your life. 

Advice #5

Getting an attorney shouldn't be the first step in your divorce process.
It's a big misconception to think that it is.

Getting the perfect attorney doesn’t guarantee your success. Truth is, the person who is emotionally stable, financially organized, and savvy with the law is going to come out winning. If you want certainty and a healthy divorce process, consider the following steps…

Step #1

Get emotionally grounded.
Divorce is a marathon, not a sprint.

From determining who owns what to drafting your settlement agreement, things can take time to settle. You need to establish emotional groundedness and a clear mindset before you take any action. Everything will require your immediate attention, and if you haven't taken care of yourself first, your focus will be gloomy and you will not make the best decisions for yourself or your family.

Step #2

Assess where you are financially.
Know what it is you own, and it's value.

A plan will get you to the end. Knowing your finances allows you to negotiate from a position of strength. To know your finances you need to know what your assets are. These are not always just your house. You may have investments, a business at stake, a retirement account. Be aware of what it is you own and what it is you owe, this will help you understand what value you're giving up. Remember, you need to address all of these things before you start the divorce negotiations.

Step #3

Find out what your rights are and what the law is.
Then, don’t make any decisions.

Just because you see a divorce attorney doesn't mean you have to walk into their office and say you want to file for divorce. It is a huge decision to instruct your attorney to file for divorce. Go in for a consult, and make the point of leaving the attorney's office feeling empowered. Knowledge is power. The more informed you are, the better you'll be able to work with your attorney in finding solutions for your case.

Advice #6

Get a team together.
An attorney will not be enough.

You're going to need professional counseling in three main areas throughout your divorce process: emotional, financial, and legal. First, you're gonna need a therapist or divorce coach that keeps your emotions in check and helps you decide whether or not to get a divorce. Second, find a financial planner that asseses where you are financially and formulates an action plan to move forward with the divorce process. And third, once your emotions are in check and with a financial plan in order... then it's time to find the right attorney and serve the papers.

Advice #7

Know which professional to go to when a problem arises.
Not knowing can cost you a fortune. 

If you want to be wise and save money, you must be thoughtful about what problem you're currently facing and which professional on your team is best equipped to help you resolve it. This is a common mistake people make when they don't have a team together and it costs them a fortune. There may come a time when there's an emotional reaction, an emotional dilemma, or you may be having an interpersonal conflict with your ex-spouse and aren't sure how to resolve it… In this case, don't call your attorney when you really need to be calling your therapist. It may sound obvious, but people make this mistake all the time. This is billable time you're spending on an issue your attorney cannot resolve. Or viceversa, if it’s a legal issue for which you're calling your divorce coach or therapist, then you're loosing money. Instead, know what issues lie with your therapist or divorce coach, what issues lie with your attorney, and what issues lie with your accountant. 

Advice #8

Divorce is a business transaction.
Learn to treat it as such.

It's not getting to treat it as such that becomes a problem. Of course you're gonna have your emotions popping up all the time, that's our default button… But to get the best settlement agreement possible, you need to treat it as if it's a business deal because that's what it is. Your marriage was a business. It was a contract. And now that business is ending. Own up to your emotions and keep them in check, so that when you're sitting at the negotiating table… its all business.

Advice #9

Think what's best for the family.
Ask how is your child experiencing the divorce?

If you got children, you must recognize that divorce will affect them no matter what, but it doesn't have to be an impact that will last forever. Parents needs to make sure that the divorce doesn't end up in the bad bucket. In order to protect them, parents must learn how to co-parent effectively and they must understand how their child's age determines the way they will process the divorce. With proper guidance, you're capable of supporting and protecting your children through every phase of this process.

Advice #10

Finding the right tool to communicate with your ex-spouse takes time.
Be patient with each other. 

What works at one point in the divorce process may not work at another. You can figure out the best mode of communication by evaluating how effectively you guys communicate in person vs email vs texting. Keep in mind this may change over time. In the beginning it may be easier to communicate via text or email since you don't have the spontaneity for conflicts to arise so quickly. Over time as you both learn how to interact with each other and start healing from the initial pain of the divorce, you can move on to more effective modes of communication. Be patient with yourself and your ex-spouse as you both figure this out and also understand it's an evolution. 

Advice #11

You're gonna loose friends, and that's okay.
This is a good time to purge.

The dynamics can turn so strange when you go from being a couple to a single person once again. People choose sides, want it or not. In-laws may turn into outlaws. Throughout this process I lost people in my life that I loved. Perspective is key here, again. Look at it as the natural evolution of things. This is a positive thing because right now you'd want to weed your garden. Just know though… that the friends you make post-divorce will be some of the best friends you'll ever have. Circle yourself with friends that will have your back and are going to lift you up. 

Advice #12

The healthier you feel, the better you'll respond.
It's time to bring it!

It's very easy to put our health in the back burner when we're hurting. I know I did. But we can at least acknowledge the fact that if we stay active and healthy, we'll be finding ways to release all the tension and anxiety that divorce brings on us. You must not forget that in order to be the best advocate for your case during this difficult time, you must make sure you're stronger and healthier like never before!

What can a butterfly teach us about divorce…